“I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

As you may or may not already be aware the title for this post is from Fight Club. As I am one for playing rough, this particular story has to do with an odd request.

Mr. Lankey, tried and true, in the bedroom. We had a great relationship because sexually we were always trying something new, or trying to improve on past positions. If you know me, which thankfully you don’t, you would know that I’m easily bored and always wanting to improve. Whether or not that’s a good thing, it’s true.

One afternoon my friends and I had a Darty, we drank way too strong margaritas, cooked steaks and just hung out. The day was perfect, and we were about to end a school year in college. Mr. Lankey was huddled up studying all day, so I knew he’d be horny, and Tequila is the best way to get me in bed. He came and DDed everyone home, so naturally I knew if he stayed longer to help my friends he would want something in return . What I did not realize was exactly the thing he had been holding out on asking me for.

We had been together for a few months at this point, so nothing was taboo as far as conversation and actions between us went. Until this night.

I have never been more stunned in my whole life than the night. We had been making out very aggressively once we got back to his house. We moved into the bathroom for a little while, so i was hoping for shower sex. Boy was I mislead. And that’s when i received the weirdest sexual request I’ve ever gotten. Mr. Lankey asked if he could pee inside me. Yes. Please reread that. Mr. Lankey, calmly asked me, while inside of me, if he could expel the liquid byproduct of his daily water intake and kidney execration. I have never in my life tightened my Kegel Muscles faster or harder than in this moment. Not only was I dumbfounded by the question, but also the fact that he was so nonchalant about the entire situation. The situation of him wanting to pee INSIDE my body. Y’all should know by now I’m willing to do or try just about anything, but something about this revolted me to my core. I could not believe that I was just asked to be peed inside of.

He had quite a few reasons, 1. How would this be different than cum, 2. He looked up the medical information on this subject, and my personal favorite, 3. He had watched a porno where the guy peed inside of a woman and she loved it. A PORNO. C’mon Mr. Lankey, you’re so much smarter than that. In all regards.

The fact of the matter is, my life is a joke and if you receive a request from someone to pee inside of you, you need to get out as fast as you can. If that’s how they are starting off, you do not want to know what is to come. Luckily for you, I stayed around to find out just what level of crazy we were talking. It gets so much better (worse).

Until next time my sex fiends. Have fun, and get some.

 

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Accidental threesome

Now I know what you’re thinking, “how can you have an accidental threesome, you’re such a slut.” Well my darling readers, the average human can’t have an accidental threesome, but yours truly can, and did.

It all started when I went to a beer festival. A BEER FESTIVAL. Now I am a beer lover, so naturally I pregammed this beer fest with Japanese Sake, and a Stella. Because why the fuck not. I’ll tell you why the fuck not, because this festival had over 300 beers and you could try all of them at your leisure. Or as my friends decided as fast as we could get from booth to booth. Sometimes I regret the friends I have ( I’m 100% kidding, I love those fuckers). They give you a one ounce glass and if you can do math that’s over 25, 12 oz beers if you are to go to every booth. Let’s just say when we left the festival I was ready for a taco and my bed.

After Beer Fest, we had the great idea to not only stay out, but let’s take shots. Oh. Okay cool. Sometimes I think I want to die. We did however get food so my night wasn’t a total blackout. We went to a bar and I had the courage to go up to a table full of frat stars and just strike up conversation. One thing lead to another and two of the boys were taking me home. I thought they were roommates and we were headed to their apartment. WRONG. Not only did these boys not live together, we didn’t even go to their apartment we went to Beer Man’s brother’s apartment that he lived in with his FIANCE. yup. So Beer Man and I started making out on a couch and beer boy (beer man’s friend not his brother) was else where at this point. Beer Man and I were getting hot and heavy when he looks up and nods. Out of the corner of my eye I see beer boy approaching us. Beer Man leans in and asks, “is this okay, we just really want to try.” I’m drunk and a little confused so I just nod and pull Beer Man back into a make out..

Beer boy kissed me and then moved into eating me out. As this is happening Beer man asked if I would give him a blow job, I obliged. The rest of this night however is very hazy for not only me, but Beer Man as well. I asked him if he remembers past the blow job and he said he vaguely remembers just the two of us having sex and Beer boy watching so, full on threesome, probably not by definition, but for me Yes. All in all I have another thing checked off my bucket list, that honestly I didn’t know was on there, but hey, whatcha gonna do.

Moral of the story, maybe don’t go to a beer festival, or maybe do. Your  call.

Until next time my sex fiends. Have fun, and get some.

I thought we were in love

This particular guy will be the hardest for me to post about because, although I wouldn’t let him call me his girlfriend, we did date for a year and a half. I honestly thought the way he treated me was the way every relationship went. I discovered what I like, sexually and otherwise with him. I learned how to give a great blow job, and where to put my legs when he’s on top. As much as I wish Mr. Lankey never happened, I am so so thankful that I had all these experiences in a nonjudgmental and trusting environment. Essentially this first post, is some background information and the first time we met.

The first time I was introduced to Mr. Lankey, I liked him. He was witty and well dressed. He knew all the right things to say, and had a really fun group of friends. He was so great and I was young, so in my eyes he was perfect. I texted his best friend to make “it” happen. “It” being getting Mr. Lankey and I together. Welp it happened the very next day we went on a double date with said friend and his then girlfriend. It was a really fun date to be honest, and we went back to what we then called the smoke house, but I would soon call the sex house. You see Mr. Lankey was in a fraternity, and he lived in at the time we dated, but his parents owned a house a few blocks away that no one lived in. Mr. Lankey and his friends used the house to pre game, smoke, basically all typical illegal and fun college activities.

Aside from being used as a play house, it was really nice and newly renovated, however there was very limited furniture. I’m 18, only had sex with two boys at this point I knew Mr. Lankey had only had sex with his high school girlfriend, but our inexperience did not stop us from jumping straight into it. We had sex and he ate me out for my first time ever, I fell in love with his actions, so I knew it would only be a matter of time before I fell in love with him. I guess I dosed off after a while, and woke up to a cheese, pepperoni and jalapeño pizza sharing the mattress with the two of us. With everything else that came along with Mr. Lankey, I would learn to love this, and get used to it.

It was nearly 3am when I woke up, he asked me if I wanted to smoke and I said yes. Had I known what dabs were and how much he was going to give me, I probably should have said no. Let’s just say I got so high, I felt like i was drowning whilst laying on his bed. We each had another slice of pizza had sex a few more times and in the morning he drove me to my class. This story is the beginning, for my year long sex learning experience. I’ve shared my most fucked up but also my most vulnerable nights with Mr. Lankey. So stay tuned.

Until next time my sex fiends. Have fun, and get some.

Sometimes I drink to forget…

just kidding that would make me an alcoholic 😉  Sometimes I just drink and then forget. Oops. So this story is a typical end of the school year get it out of my system drunken night blur.

It all started in a jeep ( ugh wish it would have ended in the jeep too, if you catch my drift). A few platonic guy friends and my best girlfriend and I went Jeeping and since I wasn’t the driver you bet your sweet ass I was drinking. Maybe a little too much. Kinda way too much but school was over, almost. lol. If you haven’t realized by now I’m great at prioritizing.

We finished driving around back roads and our local town and went to get dinner. What’s dinner without a marg or two. We turned our margs into roadies because we were pushing 8 and needed to get ready.

Bestie leaves me on my own. Drunk as a duck and I pick out the lovely outfit of a black sports bra, blue summer dress, and chacos. CHACOS. WELP. I did the damn thing y’all. Went to the bars in that outfit. I’m not sure how it looked or how my makeup was because I was turnt.

Now here’s the catch. I live on th actual street where our bar scene is, so I walked out my front door, saw some friends and cut a block long line. This is where it gets a little sketchy, but who really knows because it’s all hear say. I threw my ID into the bar and the bouncer surprisingly just let me go haha. I have such a way with people. Oh also some nice boy behind me paid for me to get in( $5 at the door= drinks all night). I literally run in the overcrowed bar which on this particular night was more like a house party.

I see one boy who I’ve had my sights on for awhile despite my best judgment and the constant No’s from my friends. I was going to make Grease Ball happen. Oh, Grease Ball. Well if nothing else he has great style. Which is another shock as to how I got him home. We both left the bar promptly. We interrupted a party going on in my house and went straight for my room. Things started heating up, and drunk me goes after it so I told him to choke me while we make out. Then I proceeded to give him a blow job. Welp after all this he is very satisfied, but he says lets go back to the bars. If you recall I had thrown my ID into the bar and no longer had it. He went along with the promos to call me after the bars and come back. Yours truly lost her phone, ID, and a little dignity. I had sooo many people tell me they watched me cut and throw my ID inside the bar.

But chalk one up for drunk me. Got home safely. Got a boy I’ve had my sights on. And got back all my belonging the next day.

A huge drag to lay on the already bad case of Grease Ball, he wears American Eagle boxers. Now come. We are in our 20’s there’s no need for mommy to still buy your undies babe.

Until next time my sex fiends. Have fun, and get some.

Making friends Eskimo brothers

Today’s post happened just recently, roughly two weeks ago to be exact. But it goes hand in hand with my first post because, Dimples is/was (I’m not sure) besties with Freakin’ Puerto Rican. And i fucked him. Oops. not oops it was great and I’ve had a crush on Dimples since high school.

So basically, I’m a raging slut because I was supposed to be spending the night with Persian Baby Face (another few stories for another time) but I just got really bored of him and texted Dimples, if I could come “spend the night” he knew what he was getting into and said yes.

Drove the whole one block away (slightly drunk, I’m so sorry world, yet another reason I need to remain anonymous) and knew going to Dimple’s house was the right choice. We caught up a little bit, watched the ending of a Cub’s game and got straight into it. I didn’t even pretend to have false pretenses, we both knew why I was there. Dimples was a great kisser, 10/10 would recommend to you ladies. The sex was honestly pretty damn good. Didn’t want to scare him by telling him what I’m actually into so we kept it simple. Missionary to doggie. Good. I’ve been really horny lately so I wish we could have gone like two or three more rounds but whatever. As they say, beggars can’t be choosers.

I was a satisfied customer (I didn’t pay for sex, just an expression. Please don’t get me arrested) fell asleep immediately afterwards. Unbeknownst to me, he had left the bed in the middle of the night after i fell asleep. I wake up around 6am to realize he’s not around.  I’m guessing he went to the bathroom so I went back to bed. wake up again around 9:30 and home boy is is no where to be found. I don’t even know where he could have gone. It looked like a one bedroom house, I was still a little drunk but not drunk enough to not realize a missing person, where one had laid hours earlier. in my crazy girl mind, I left without saying goodbye so I left him wanting more, right? Right?! So, I grabbed my shoes, redressed and headed home. Feeling satisfied and a little confused.

An open message to Dimples: I had a great time. did you not? like would want another round. please consider. Also where did you go? when did you leave the bed?

Signed, A confused and sexually frustrated woman. Text me 😉

Also, side not. While leaving Dimples to go home, i was still a bit tipsy and drove over a huge pile of rocks and scratched the paint on my car. Am still mad about it, but could totally forget if you would fuck me again. and this time a little rougher, please.

Let’s start at the beginning.

This is the most cliché first time story ever, with a little twist because what is my life without a twist. So there we were, two 16 year olds leaving their first prom. Technically it was my prom and Freakin’ Puerto Rican, was my date. Freakin’ Puerto Rican, was a grade younger than me, but had more game than Michael Jordan, so naturally I asked him to prom. Fast Forward to us leaving the prom, we went to a friend’s house who’s parents were out of town, and I knew what was in store for the rest of the night so I started chugging a delightful mixture of blue gatorade and gold tequila. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “that’s disgusting” “didn’t you want it to be special?” hell yeah it was disgusting, and at my Catholic High School I was one of maybe ten juniors who had not had sex at this point, so I was ready to be done with it. I don’t think we stayed at our friend’s house long, mainly because Freakin’ Puerto Rican and I didn’t have any mutual friends, and he was ready to take this virgin to pound town. We only had to stay long enough for his grandma to be asleep by the time we got back to his house.

Here comes the good part. We are walking up stairs to Freakin’ Puerto Rican’s room, he makes sure I’m “ready” by saying “this is going to be great, I’ll go slow.” He proceeds to set the mood by turning on the Celtics game, and rubbing my back. If this didn’t do it for me already, him saying, “I’m going to need you to suck it, I’m not hard enough,” sure put me in the mood. Me being the unexperienced 16 year old that I was, happily obliged and when he was finally ready, we started having sex. No bare in mind I had never been with a boy before, yes kissed many but not in a sexual way. I went from zero to 100 real quick. Keeping my lack of experience in mind, I have to tell you, I felt nothing. There was no pain, no pleasure, no nothing. ( My now fully experienced self is aware that Freakin’ Puerto Rican, had the smallest penis I’ve ever been with/ seen in real life) At this time of course I had no clue what was supposed to be happening so I did what I saw in movies and fake moaned and moaned and moaned. Boy he may not be working with much, but shit the kid and stamina. I mean this went on for at least 30 minutes. I can’t recall if he ever finished, I know I didn’t. I just know my friends waited outside of his house for me and picked me up afterwards.

I wish there were more Freakin’ Puerto Rican stories I could share with you, but sadly (for my self esteem) after we had sex, he told me if I would have waited a little longer, he would have dated me. Oh boy. I totally wish I would have waited… Bummer to my 16 year old self, blessing to the rest of my life.